I couldn’t speak.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For several seconds, I simply stared at Jeffrey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Underneath his shirt was a wide, angry-looking scar that ran across the upper part of his chest. Beside it were several smaller scars, some faded and some still pink.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But that wasn’t what made my knees weak.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was the medical port.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Continue reading on next page\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
The same kind of port I’d stared at in the mirror during my own chemotherapy treatments.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My mouth fell open.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Jeffrey…”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He quickly pulled his shirt closed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I reached for his hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“What happened?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He sat on the edge of the bed, his shoulders suddenly looking smaller than I’d ever seen them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Remember your third round of chemo?” he asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I nodded slowly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“That was when you were having the worst time. You couldn’t keep food down. You were exhausted all the time. You kept apologizing because you thought you were making my life difficult.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I remembered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’d been convinced that everything about me had become a burden.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jeffrey looked down at our joined hands.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“That week, I found a lump.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My heart stopped.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Where?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He touched his chest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I ignored it at first.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Jeffrey!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I know.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He gave me a sad smile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I told myself it was nothing. Maybe a muscle strain. Maybe stress. Anything except what I was afraid it might be.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Why didn’t you tell me?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
His eyes filled with tears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Because you were fighting for your life, and I couldn’t stand the thought of putting another fear on your shoulders.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I pulled my hand away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“That wasn’t your decision to make.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I know that now.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He swallowed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I went to the doctor alone.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Suddenly, the separate hotel room made sense.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The buttoned shirt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The strange way he’d been avoiding changing clothes around me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
All those times I’d assumed he was uncomfortable looking at my scars.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He hadn’t been hiding my scars.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He’d been hiding his own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“What did they find?” I whispered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jeffrey took a long breath.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Fortunately, it wasn’t cancer.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I closed my eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A sob escaped me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“But it wasn’t something I could ignore either. They found a heart problem that needed treatment. The port was for the medication I had to receive afterward.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“How long?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Almost a year.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I couldn’t believe it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You’ve been dealing with this for almost a year?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“How did I not know?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Because you were recovering.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“That’s not an excuse.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“No,” he said softly. “It isn’t.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I stood up and walked toward the window.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Outside, the mountains were dark against the moonlit sky.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Twenty years ago, we’d stood in almost the same place as newlyweds, convinced we had all the time in the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now we were both carrying scars we’d never expected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I turned around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Why the second room?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jeffrey’s expression changed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This time, there was something almost embarrassed in his eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Because I didn’t want you to see me.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I frowned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“See you?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Yes.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He looked down at his chest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I’ve got scars. I’m thinner. I get tired easily. There are nights when my heart races for no reason, and I don’t always know whether it’s anxiety or something else.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He laughed bitterly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You know what I kept thinking?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I shook my head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You’d spent months looking at your own body and wondering whether I still found you beautiful.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
His voice cracked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“And all that time, I was looking at mine and wondering whether you would still see me as the man you married.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I couldn’t breathe for a moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You idiot,” I whispered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He gave a tiny, broken laugh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Yeah.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You absolute idiot.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I know.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I crossed the room and hugged him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He stiffened at first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then his arms wrapped around me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And suddenly I was crying into his shoulder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Not because I was angry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Not because I felt rejected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I cried because I finally understood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We had both been hiding from each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’d hidden my fear that chemotherapy had changed me beyond recognition.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He’d hidden his fear that his own body had betrayed him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’d thought he was avoiding me because he didn’t want the woman I’d become.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He had been avoiding me because he was afraid I’d stop wanting him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked against his shoulder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Because every time I looked at you, you were fighting so hard.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He pulled back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I couldn’t be the person who walked into your hospital room and said, ‘By the way, I’m sick too.'”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You should have been.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I know.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“That’s what marriage is.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
His eyes softened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I know that now.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We sat together on the edge of the bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For the first time that evening, neither of us seemed embarrassed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I touched the edge of his shirt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Does it hurt?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Sometimes.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Are you okay now?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I’m being monitored. The doctors are happy with how things are going.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“And you seriously thought I wouldn’t want you beside me?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I didn’t know.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That answer hurt more than anything else he’d said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because suddenly I realized something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For twenty years, we’d assumed love meant knowing each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But sometimes loving someone for decades didn’t mean you could read their mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sometimes the person lying beside you could be terrified, and you’d never know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I reached into my suitcase.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jeffrey watched curiously as I pulled out the dress I’d bought for the weekend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
His eyebrows lifted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You brought that?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I did.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Why didn’t you wear it?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Because I thought you didn’t want to see me in it.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
His face fell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Emily…”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Don’t.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I held up a hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Tonight isn’t about who hurt who more.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I smiled through my tears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Tonight is about the fact that we’re both terrible at asking for help.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jeffrey laughed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A real laugh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The first one I’d heard from him all evening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then he reached for my hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Can I tell you something?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Okay.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“When I saw you walk into this hotel wearing that dress…”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I raised an eyebrow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You didn’t even see me wearing it.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I saw you holding it.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“That’s not the same thing.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He smiled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You looked beautiful.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I looked away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Don’t say that because you feel sorry for me.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I’m not.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He squeezed my hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I’ve never felt sorry for you.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That sentence stayed with me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because I’d spent months confusing compassion with pity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jeffrey had never looked at me like I was broken.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He’d looked at me like I was someone he loved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And maybe I’d been too afraid to notice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We talked until almost three in the morning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He told me everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The appointment he’d secretly made.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The tests.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The diagnosis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The treatment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The fear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The nights he’d sat alone in his car after visiting me at the hospital because he didn’t want me to see him cry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And then I told him things I’d never admitted either.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How often I’d studied his face for signs that he was losing interest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How I’d avoided mirrors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How I’d wondered whether he’d stayed because he loved me or because he felt obligated to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At one point, Jeffrey looked genuinely stunned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You thought I was staying because I had to?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I didn’t know.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He shook his head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“After twenty years, you still don’t know?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I smiled sadly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Apparently not.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He leaned his head against mine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Then we have some work to do.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The next morning, I woke before him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sunlight spilled through the curtains.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For a few seconds, I forgot everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then I remembered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jeffrey was asleep beside me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Not in the room down the hall.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Beside me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
His breathing was slow and steady.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I watched him for a moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then I noticed something on the bedside table.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A folded piece of paper.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I picked it up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My name was written on the front.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For Emily.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n I opened it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Inside was a photograph.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It was from our wedding day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I smiled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But underneath the photograph, Jeffrey had written something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Twenty years ago, I promised to stand beside you for better or worse.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Then, beneath that:<\/p>\n\n\n\n I didn’t realize the promise would include learning how to be vulnerable with you.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n My eyes filled with tears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And then I saw the final line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Next year, if we’re lucky, let’s celebrate twenty-one years without hiding anything from each other.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I pressed the note against my chest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Behind me, Jeffrey stirred.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “What are you doing?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n I turned around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Catching you being sentimental.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n He groaned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Give me that.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n I held it out of reach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Absolutely not.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n He started laughing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And for the first time in a very long time, I laughed with him without thinking about chemotherapy, scars, medications, or everything we’d lost.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We had both survived something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Not just illness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Fear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And perhaps that was the real reason our anniversary had changed everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I’d gone to that hotel hoping my husband would look at me the way he had twenty years ago.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Instead, I learned something much more important.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He wasn’t looking at the woman I used to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He was looking at me<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And I finally learned to look at him the same way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I couldn’t speak. For several seconds, I simply stared at Jeffrey. Underneath his shirt was a wide, angry-looking scar that…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":8659,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8660","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tbdig.com\/benetv\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8660","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tbdig.com\/benetv\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tbdig.com\/benetv\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tbdig.com\/benetv\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tbdig.com\/benetv\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8660"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/tbdig.com\/benetv\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8660\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8661,"href":"https:\/\/tbdig.com\/benetv\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8660\/revisions\/8661"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tbdig.com\/benetv\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8659"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tbdig.com\/benetv\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8660"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tbdig.com\/benetv\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8660"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tbdig.com\/benetv\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8660"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}