The man burst through the front doors of the police station at exactly 7:30 in the morning, still wearing mismatched slippers and a wrinkled bathrobe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI need to speak to the complete idiot who broke into my house last night!\u201d he shouted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The desk sergeant barely looked up from his coffee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou\u2019ll get your opportunity in court, sir,\u201d he said calmly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Continue reading on next page\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo, no, no,\u201d the man snapped impatiently, waving both hands. \u201cYou don\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now the officer looked confused.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThen what exactly seems to be the problem?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The man leaned across the counter dramatically and lowered his voice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI need to know how he did it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHow who did what?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThe burglar!\u201d the man hissed. \u201cI want to know how he managed to sneak into my house\u2026 search every single room\u2026 and sneak back out again\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The officer blinked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201c\u2026without waking my wife.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The entire front desk went silent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then one young rookie accidentally snorted coffee through his nose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The man slammed both palms onto the counter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m serious!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
By now, half the station was listening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t understand,\u201d the husband continued. \u201cI came home late ONE time last month and dropped a spoon in the kitchen.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMy wife woke up before it even hit the floor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The officers were struggling to stay professional.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The desk sergeant cleared his throat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSo let me get this straight\u2026 your biggest concern is not the robbery itself?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh, the television can be replaced,\u201d the man scoffed. \u201cThe jewelry too.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He pointed dramatically toward the ceiling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBut whoever pulled this off possesses skills mankind needs to study.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At that exact moment, another officer walked out carrying the burglary report.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWell,\u201d she said, trying not to laugh, \u201caccording to your wife\u2019s statement, she actually did wake up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The husband froze.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cShe did?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The officer nodded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cShe said she heard noises downstairs around 2 a.m.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The man looked horrified.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAnd she didn\u2019t wake me?!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The officer flipped through the report.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cShe wrote\u2014and I quote\u2014\u2018I figured if my husband was finally cleaning the house at that hour, I shouldn\u2019t interrupt him.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The entire police station exploded with laughter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Even the captain came out of his office smiling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The husband looked personally betrayed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cShe thought the burglar was ME?!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The desk sergeant wiped tears from his eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSir\u2026 honestly\u2026 that may be the funniest statement we\u2019ve taken all year.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But the story somehow got even worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A few minutes later, another officer walked over holding a small plastic evidence bag.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGood news,\u201d he announced. \u201cWe found fingerprints.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cFantastic!\u201d the husband said eagerly. \u201cDid you catch the guy?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The officer nodded slowly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh, we know exactly who he is.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The husband leaned forward excitedly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWell?!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The officer held up the bag.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThe burglar left behind your wife\u2019s homemade banana bread.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The husband frowned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The officer smiled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIt means this is the third house he\u2019s robbed this month\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201c\u2026and apparently he keeps stealing food from wives who cook too much.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The husband crossed his arms proudly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHah! See? Even criminals appreciate good cooking.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The officer looked down at the report again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cActually, sir\u2026 according to your wife\u2019s statement\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He paused dramatically.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201c\u2026she said the banana bread was specifically hidden from YOU.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The room absolutely lost it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One officer had to sit down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Another was laughing so hard he couldn\u2019t breathe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The husband stared blankly for several seconds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then quietly asked:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSo the burglar found it\u2026 but I couldn\u2019t?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The desk sergeant patted him gently on the shoulder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSir\u2026 honestly\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201c\u2026that man may not be a criminal.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHe may be a marriage counselor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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